Growing up as an only child was amazing. I loved not having someone to share things with. But now there are a few minor qualities I never really had to learn until I got into a relationship: to compromise.
Growing up as an only child was amazing. I loved not having someone to share things with. But now there are a few minor qualities I never really had to learn until I got into a relationship: to compromise.
Check Out Other Posts from My Relationship:
“Why don’t you say ‘I love you’?”
This is a question I ask my boyfriend on a weekly basis. Not because I’m in a dire need of the constant affirmation, but mostly out of curiosity.
I just always figured that once you and your partner fell in love, it was something that was said every single time you spoke: “Have a good day! I love you”… “Goodnight! I love you”…”I just broke my record and ate three everything bagels in one sitting. I love you!”
I don’t know if it was the household I grew up in or the movies I watched as a child, but not hearing those three little words every time my boyfriend and I spoke really started to get under my skin. Until recently.
One night, I was at a birthday dinner with a group of friends and after a bottle or two of red wine, I started opening up about this subject to the table, hoping to get some advice, words of wisdom, and a third bottle of wine. When I finished my story, my one friend told me that there are different languages of love.
Five, to be exact.
There is a book (and a website) called The Five Languages of Love, and when I got home that night, I started reading about it. In a nutshell, it went on to explain that not only is each relationship different, but each person is different in the way they express their feelings, communicate, and validate their love for their partner.
The first way is through words of affirmation – the way I clearly express my love. In this example, the person in the relationship feels that by verbally saying “I love you” (or texting it…) confirms exactly how they feel in the relationship and wants that to be returned. The other languages of love are through acts of service, quality time, gift giving and physical touch. All of these ways, in the eyes of the book’s author, are equivalent.
When I brought this up with my boyfriend (for the fifth time) he seemed utterly confused and a little exasperated. “Just because I don’t say it every fifteen seconds doesn’t mean I don’t feel it,” he said while we laid on the couch and he rubbed my feet. “When I take you out to dinner, that is me showing you love. When I take out your trash or clean your air conditioning filter, that is me showing you love. Even when I sit here and rub your feet – this is me showing you love.”
Hearing him say all that really woke me up. Of course he loved me! He is constantly communicating with me, making plans to see me, and even surprising me with bottles of wine, cards in the mail, or donuts.
When you date someone who speaks a different “language of love,” it is your job to not only accept and understand their way of expressing their love, but reciprocating the way they are used to, or prefer.
Taking this into consideration, I have stopped getting upset if my boyfriend sends me a “Goodnight” text without the I-love-you attached, but also trying to show him I love him the way he shows me, and visa versa. I have been trying to plan more date nights and spend quality time with him, having long conversations, and holding his hand whenever possible. And in turn, he has been verbally expressing that he loves me or misses me every day.
After discussing this and working through it, our relationship has never been stronger now that we are (finally) speaking each other’s language. I feel that this is a common event in every relationship, and it’s not about getting upset – it’s about getting clarity.
And now that we have that, it truly had a hand in making month eight great.
LANGUAGES OF LOVE
WHAT I'VE LEARNED FROM BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP FOR EIGHT MONTHS
I never thought when I started writing about my relationship that I would make it to six months. This isn’t saying that I felt my relationship was doomed from the start, but I figured I would have fucked it up by now.
I have never said, “I love you” to someone that wasn’t a family member, friend, or Red Lobster employee. It’s not that I was afraid to; it’s just that I never really felt that way for someone.
On January 8th, I went on what seems like my thirtieth Tinder date. Like the preceding 29 other dates, we met up at a bar for a few quick drinks during happy hour.
EXPLORE
My boyfriend and I have been together for a full 90 days, and in most scenarios when you are trying to get used to or adjust to something, many experts say 90 days is all it takes.
I thought the first month was going to be the hardest because it was something so different and new, but as it turns out, maintaining a relationship is hard work and it doesn’t stop after 30 days.